A unbroken dream . . .

It kills me from within when I speak of the pain I go through now. Things left unsaid, I cannot let my emotions speak. I have to hide those tears from my eyes and give her a weak smile, a fake smile. Pain. Ultimate torture. Hiding someone’s love just because the other person does not reciprocate is a feeling worser than death. I prefer being killed, slaughtered right here, right now instead of being in such a position. I pray to God that none in this world, not even my enemies, should go through such an intense emotional trauma that I go through now.

It pains you to hide your love and put on a false brave mask of friendship. A veil to just stop your feelings of intense longing to be with her forever. I do it with a smile, because I don’t want to lose her. I do it with a smile because I love her. I do it with a smile because I cannot live without her in my life. I do it with a smile because she gives me those smiles. I do it with a smile because she is the reason I live.

After living in dreams so divine, sharing my entire self with her, and giving her my heart to take care of, I find myself alone. TOTALLY ALONE. The heart that beats for her is safe…with me. It fails to beat further as it knows that the girl it loves can never caress it nor care for it. And, when she mentions that she wants to be my sister, the end of the world is visible. Oh god, why should I go through such a mental state? Did I commit such a great sin to be treated this way ? is loving someone such a great mistake ? why do you kill me but don’t really kill me ? Am alive, but, am dead.

When she mentions it to a guy who loves her that she has taken me as her brother, she felt so happy. She cares a lot for that guy feeling bad that she spends most of her time with me. She wants him to know that she is always closest to him and that she will always care for him the most in this world.  Why else should she have to mention that I became her brother? God, it pains me! I hate living in this world. I don’t need to live longer. God, let me come to you.

 It kills the most when two people who could have ideally become the best couples in the world would become complete strangers the next moment. My case is worser, I’d have preferred to go away than stay and get hurt every second. But, I still stay strong, ready to act, put a false mask again, put on a smile again and stay with her as her brother if that is what she wants from me. If she loves him the most in this world that she would consider telling him that I become her brother so happily, wowww…then let it be. God, I beg u. I don’t need this. Please take me away.

Here’s to the gal I love the most in this world. . . Tomorrow when you wake up, I will be awake already. Tomorrow when you wake up, you will treat me as your brother, you wont speak the way as if nothing has ever happened between the both of us. Whatever happened between us is not even a memory. It’s gone. Now we will be brothers and sisters. If u are happy with him, stay with him. I realise how much you love your parents and how much you care for him. I know you feel hurt whenever he feels hurt. I know you wanted to make him happy by saying that am just your brother. He is the perfect man for u in your life. As for me? I loved spending each and every moment of my life with you…those beautiful moments in the canteen, in restaurants, cafes, shopping malls, cinema theatres, buses, autos and those moments in the rain. J U are such a great gal dear, your parents are very lucky to have you in your life. I have never seen a woman love her parents the way you do. I’m proud of you, of whatever you have achieved, of whatever you will achieve in the future. Am leaving you forever sweetheart, after these two years. I will never come into your life again after you achieve your dreams. I’m staying with u just because I want my baby doll to be the best in the whole world…and I know you will be J and till that day when I finally disappear from your life, I wil stay with u… as your brother, just the way you wanted me to be. U can be happy with him. Don’t deny yourself. Everytime you call him through the day waiting to see if he just picks up your call…wow, you wait with lots of care…which shines through your eyes dear. He would trust you and love u even more since you made me your brother. Go. I will always be there for you sweetheart, if you need me.

God, you know how much I love her. You are the only person in the world who can understand what I go through now. Please take me away as soon as possible. Darling, you were mine, you are mine, and you will be mine. I cant live without you, I will forever take care of you with all my heart, my soul J and you know I will. I will always love u forever. And you know I will. And we will always be happy together….you know we can. If we marry, we would be the best couple in the whole world. And you know we will. I will never go to another gal in my life and I will take care of your family like my own. They will love me. And you know they will.

I love you beyond my life, I will always love you till the day I die and even after that I will. I just hide it every single time. Tears are falling from my cheeks now darling, I love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Goodbye sweetheart. Wish you the best married life and all the best for your career and your future dreams. you will achieve them all and make me proud. J Even if I’m in heaven at that time, I will surely smile at my little baby winning hearts and winning the world. Take care of your hubby, and please take care of your little babies when you get them. Who knows? I can maybe take a rebirth and come as your kid. I’d be the most luckiest baby in the world J

Failure . . .

It totally sucks when I fail or get embarrassed in front of a big crowd. It sucks when you aren’t able to capture the audience and charm them into liking you. It hurts me. It kills me. I don’t like it one single bit. I feel that the best thing that I can do is to cut myself into pieces and throw it to the winds. Ok. Stop. Maybe I’m just speaking with pure hatred. Maybe I didn’t get so embarrassed in front of the crowds. Or, maybe, the entire episode was a dream. I don’t give a damn whether it happened in my dream or in reality. It happened. End of story. End of my life.

I have been fed the success pill every day. I need to keep pushing my limits, I need challenges, I need to rock every time I climb the stage. I realize now though that it is highly impossible. It is highly a biased bullshitting of myself. People did like my show. Doesn’t matter. Only some did. Impossibility is a term that I never deem worthy to think of. I-M-POSSIBLE. Every Tom, Dick and Harry of this world has a certain talent inside them. I know that I’m talented on the stage. I know that I can set the stage on fire given a proper entry. People don’t want my entry here. They want my exit. They don’t want my success here. They want my failure.

I have a few things to say to them. Just bring it on. Try to do whatever you can to put me down. Try to kill me and lay me inside a coffin. Am game. Just try it. Let’s have a duel head to head instead of just hiding in the crowd and booing when nobody notices. I don’t give a damn about you. I know that I can win hands down. You want to throw me a challenge? Just do it. Each and every one of you in the audience, I have to tell you what you already know. I failed today. But, I want to tell you all something that you won’t know. I will rise from the ashes of this defeat like a phoenix bird. I will not rest till I win you all over. I will not rest till I succeed and keep piling successes on top of this failure that it disappears deep into the ground. To all my enemies out there. Beware. A Scorpio can sting bad. A Scorpio WILL sting bad. Here’s my challenge to you all. Try to screw me, fcuk me, kill me, hate me, shit me . . . I will leave my legacy behind.   

Hazards and Hazare . . .

Anna Hazare is a rockstar. A 74 year old man has the entire nation at his nimble fingertips. Though he ceases to speak after a continuous fast of 8 days(running), he has managed to stir a nation awake from it's 64 year old slumber.

I was abroad the Spice Jet flight recently when it passed over the Marina beach, and I could see the sea down below. But, it was not just the plain blue sea that I saw. There was something more. Infact a lot more. I could see a sea of people flocked together, waving the tricolor, chanting and shouting slogans and though I could not hear them, I could sense their passion and patriotism flow through my veins and from way above the clouds I felt the hair raising sensation of being an Indian.

Contentious though is the Jan Lokpal Bill. Let me try to understand what the government wants and what the country needs. First and foremost, I hated the way Anna Hazare threw a fast without any sense of logic whatsoever. I mean, I might get brickbats for saying this...but, we can't throw a fast and expect a bill to be passed. I understand all the crap about democracy and the freedom of expression talk..! So, if you want a bill passed then gather a group of people, threaten a fast, fast till the doctors pronounce you to be on the verge of death, get the government flummoxed and sweating and blackmail them to pass a bill ? Atrocious. Imagine if tomorrow any youngster takes his cue and makes a big fasting fuss to create publicity ? Freedom of expression must ofcourse be curbed. You can't expect everyone to walk down the street naked just because we are a democratic country.

The ideal way ofcourse was to talk it out, sit down like gentlemen and speak. Ofcourse. It never would have been so easy. But, then who else had to rule the country than the UPA government ? From the frying pan of scams and corruption into the fire of anti-corruption act ! They will all curse Allah and Shiva and Jesus for the soup they are swimming in. So, citing differences with Anna Hazare, they introduce the famous "JokePal" bill that was an overwhelming superhit(notice the tongue in my cheek).

As I see it, the Jan Lokpal and the JokePal have several contentious issues. I disagree with the Prime Minister not coming into the umbrella of the Lokpal wing. Though I understand the logic behind the government thinking that the the PM will have several weighty issues of taking care of the nation than answering to the public scrutiny while in office, including them in the Lokpal purview will make them realise that they are answerable to the 1.2 billion heartbeats of the nation. When taken in the right view and with no hidden agendas whatsoever, it will surely transform the PM into the greatest leader of our beloved country. The leader has to lead by example. He/She has to be the first one to say that they are ready to be scrutinized. If anyone is accountable to the debacles of our motherland, it has to be the PM.

The minimum punishment under the Jan Lokpal is ten years !! So, that means that if a policeman gets 50 rupees for letting you off without imposing a fine, he gets ten years of imprisonment ? Wow ! That's something. The JokePal is more worthy here, it has a window of six months to life imprisonment. If the Lokpal is an independent body without any intervention from the Supreme court, then there will be two parallel bodies of justice in the country. Though it may seem to be the way out, it will lead to more confusions. Lokpal will be an independent body not answerable to any of the judicial courts of justice. Which will mean two High Courts in each state, and two Supreme Courts in the country ?!! Preposterous !!

The government also came up with something along the same lines saying that the CBI and the Lokpal will be independent of each other. That's funny. Who will take care of corruption then ? The CBI or the Lokpal ?? The two anti-corruption bodies must be allowed to merge and work together on common issues.

Anna Hazare also stated that the Jan Lokpal will involve and undertake all complaints against corruption !! So, if a layman gets cheated of 2 rupees while buying a cool drink, he will get the same body to take care of his charges as will a 1.76 lakh crore scam. Imagine the manpower required and the amount of complaints that may come in !! 1.2 billion people...! If just half of the population have just one grievance each...that makes it 60 million !! 60 million grievances to be solved within a one year duration ?? 1.64 lakhs of grievances per day !! Now, it seems gigantic doesn't it ?! And, am only taking HALF the population of our country.

The issue where he undoes himself is the NGOs not coming under the purview of the Lokpal. Everyone of us know how many money laundering NGOs have come under critical review in recent times. Case in point, Satya Sai Baba, Nithyanda, Baba Ramdev's unaccounted millions. If the PM is under the Lokpal umbrella, everyone MUST be under it too. It's ALL or NONE. You can't have two bites of the same apple.

The best way out is to bring the Lokpal into the parliament for discussion and for Anna Hazare to stop his fast. It may all be well and good for us to shout slogans and sings praises of him, which he thoroughly deserves, but, fasting is never the way out of any situation(imagine tomorrow's world...everybody mind end up fasting to pass a bill..) !! Understand me perfectly. Am not against Anna Hazare. Am not supporting the government. I feel proud that the nation is rising against corruption. But, I urge the government to sort the issue out soon. Let's put our thinking caps on and remove our hearts from our sleeves and do something substantial for the future of our country. Jai Hind !!

(I know I will get a lot of brickbats for my view, but then it's the freedom of expression... :D !! Comments welcome !!)

The ironies of the heart . . .

5th August, 2011

As the day draws to a close, it's funny to realise how much the heart yearns for attention even though you are a big man in the corporate world. It's funny that we keep craving that somebody showers a little love and care on us every single time. We don't ever get tired of getting noticed. After all, it comes free.

So, as the entire family was shopping for my sister, I was looking around like a headless chicken in a swimming pool. Come on guys, I am here too !!

It gets even more irritating when your mom finds you to be the best man for selecting items for your sister. "That black shoe is better for her mom" "That sari will suit her" "Those bangles will look awesome with the saree" "Buy that chain too, it'll be a nice combination for that bangle" and suddenly your mind comes up with random thoughts "Hey buddy, your mommy is using you..!!" and then it pounds the message into you "Dude, she hasn't even thought about you for a second"

As you seem to realize that your mind is probably true, your heart fails a beat. You don't like to be sidetracked. Not even if you are 21 years old. That is MEAN. Period.

Negative thoughts should never drive positive thoughts away, but, this was one incident that will remain etched in my heart forever. I went around the shopping mall buying stuff for myself, all the while learning to bargain and pester the shopkeeper to keep following me around till he reduced the price of my Lee Cooper shirt from Rs. 875 to Rs. 200. It was so much fun. . . :D

And, finally when I showed my mom the 3 t-shirts that I got for myself, she suddenly remembered that she had a son too and came up with puppy faces and dialogues out of watching too much cinema "Oh poor kiddo, I didn't buy him anything" "Come..let's go buy something". I didn't want any of those false showers of love and my bitter tongue came to the fore and said "That's alright mommy, I can buy stuff on my own"

This is a lesson for myself in my quest to be the perfect dad. One day, when I adopt kids, I want to be a great father to them. I want to grow everyday even as my kids grow. And, I will promise my kids right now that I will never ever overlook the other in my quest to satisfy their whims and fancies. I will understand that girls need to be spoilt for choice, and, I will also understand that boys have a heart that craves equal attention too.

I want to raise my boy and girl together hand-in-hand as the best father in the whole world.

Deep regrets . . .

At wit’s end, I would confess to a truth that I hate to acknowledge.

Am the most difficult person to live with. Period.

No use denying the fact that though I can make friends easily and move along with them all, the one thing that stops me moving forward is love.

I cannot love, I cannot confess to losing myself to anyone else, when I suffer desperately from the love of my past. Even though it has been a long time since then, my heart still prefers to beat for her and for HER alone.

I have tried everything.

I have tried to kill my thoughts about her, forget her, removed her contact from my phone number, but, damn, I cant remove it from my memory. So, everytime she messages, the same familiar number crops up, and my thoughts come flooding back.

I have to tried hanging out with friends, family and even practical strangers in a bid to forget.

I have tried to fix my thoughts on other things, planned to achieve things in life so that finally I can get lost in the mounds of work and dreams that I orchestrated and get to forget her at long last.

I have tried moving on, that was the biggest mistake of my life. It hurt not only me but the gal who was my best friend till the fatal happenings. I’ve spoiled both her life and mine.

The only thing that is possible to get rid of the trouble am giving others is that I must move on. Never ever will I commit myself to another relationship. I want my space, my mind, my dreams intact. I will go off to a place where I can be of trouble to no one.

I loved you too much. That is the truth. That always will be.

Sorry my dearest friend. I cannot bear to hurt you any longer.

With deep regrets,

Vishnu