Failure . . .

It totally sucks when I fail or get embarrassed in front of a big crowd. It sucks when you aren’t able to capture the audience and charm them into liking you. It hurts me. It kills me. I don’t like it one single bit. I feel that the best thing that I can do is to cut myself into pieces and throw it to the winds. Ok. Stop. Maybe I’m just speaking with pure hatred. Maybe I didn’t get so embarrassed in front of the crowds. Or, maybe, the entire episode was a dream. I don’t give a damn whether it happened in my dream or in reality. It happened. End of story. End of my life.

I have been fed the success pill every day. I need to keep pushing my limits, I need challenges, I need to rock every time I climb the stage. I realize now though that it is highly impossible. It is highly a biased bullshitting of myself. People did like my show. Doesn’t matter. Only some did. Impossibility is a term that I never deem worthy to think of. I-M-POSSIBLE. Every Tom, Dick and Harry of this world has a certain talent inside them. I know that I’m talented on the stage. I know that I can set the stage on fire given a proper entry. People don’t want my entry here. They want my exit. They don’t want my success here. They want my failure.

I have a few things to say to them. Just bring it on. Try to do whatever you can to put me down. Try to kill me and lay me inside a coffin. Am game. Just try it. Let’s have a duel head to head instead of just hiding in the crowd and booing when nobody notices. I don’t give a damn about you. I know that I can win hands down. You want to throw me a challenge? Just do it. Each and every one of you in the audience, I have to tell you what you already know. I failed today. But, I want to tell you all something that you won’t know. I will rise from the ashes of this defeat like a phoenix bird. I will not rest till I win you all over. I will not rest till I succeed and keep piling successes on top of this failure that it disappears deep into the ground. To all my enemies out there. Beware. A Scorpio can sting bad. A Scorpio WILL sting bad. Here’s my challenge to you all. Try to screw me, fcuk me, kill me, hate me, shit me . . . I will leave my legacy behind.   

Hazards and Hazare . . .

Anna Hazare is a rockstar. A 74 year old man has the entire nation at his nimble fingertips. Though he ceases to speak after a continuous fast of 8 days(running), he has managed to stir a nation awake from it's 64 year old slumber.

I was abroad the Spice Jet flight recently when it passed over the Marina beach, and I could see the sea down below. But, it was not just the plain blue sea that I saw. There was something more. Infact a lot more. I could see a sea of people flocked together, waving the tricolor, chanting and shouting slogans and though I could not hear them, I could sense their passion and patriotism flow through my veins and from way above the clouds I felt the hair raising sensation of being an Indian.

Contentious though is the Jan Lokpal Bill. Let me try to understand what the government wants and what the country needs. First and foremost, I hated the way Anna Hazare threw a fast without any sense of logic whatsoever. I mean, I might get brickbats for saying this...but, we can't throw a fast and expect a bill to be passed. I understand all the crap about democracy and the freedom of expression talk..! So, if you want a bill passed then gather a group of people, threaten a fast, fast till the doctors pronounce you to be on the verge of death, get the government flummoxed and sweating and blackmail them to pass a bill ? Atrocious. Imagine if tomorrow any youngster takes his cue and makes a big fasting fuss to create publicity ? Freedom of expression must ofcourse be curbed. You can't expect everyone to walk down the street naked just because we are a democratic country.

The ideal way ofcourse was to talk it out, sit down like gentlemen and speak. Ofcourse. It never would have been so easy. But, then who else had to rule the country than the UPA government ? From the frying pan of scams and corruption into the fire of anti-corruption act ! They will all curse Allah and Shiva and Jesus for the soup they are swimming in. So, citing differences with Anna Hazare, they introduce the famous "JokePal" bill that was an overwhelming superhit(notice the tongue in my cheek).

As I see it, the Jan Lokpal and the JokePal have several contentious issues. I disagree with the Prime Minister not coming into the umbrella of the Lokpal wing. Though I understand the logic behind the government thinking that the the PM will have several weighty issues of taking care of the nation than answering to the public scrutiny while in office, including them in the Lokpal purview will make them realise that they are answerable to the 1.2 billion heartbeats of the nation. When taken in the right view and with no hidden agendas whatsoever, it will surely transform the PM into the greatest leader of our beloved country. The leader has to lead by example. He/She has to be the first one to say that they are ready to be scrutinized. If anyone is accountable to the debacles of our motherland, it has to be the PM.

The minimum punishment under the Jan Lokpal is ten years !! So, that means that if a policeman gets 50 rupees for letting you off without imposing a fine, he gets ten years of imprisonment ? Wow ! That's something. The JokePal is more worthy here, it has a window of six months to life imprisonment. If the Lokpal is an independent body without any intervention from the Supreme court, then there will be two parallel bodies of justice in the country. Though it may seem to be the way out, it will lead to more confusions. Lokpal will be an independent body not answerable to any of the judicial courts of justice. Which will mean two High Courts in each state, and two Supreme Courts in the country ?!! Preposterous !!

The government also came up with something along the same lines saying that the CBI and the Lokpal will be independent of each other. That's funny. Who will take care of corruption then ? The CBI or the Lokpal ?? The two anti-corruption bodies must be allowed to merge and work together on common issues.

Anna Hazare also stated that the Jan Lokpal will involve and undertake all complaints against corruption !! So, if a layman gets cheated of 2 rupees while buying a cool drink, he will get the same body to take care of his charges as will a 1.76 lakh crore scam. Imagine the manpower required and the amount of complaints that may come in !! 1.2 billion people...! If just half of the population have just one grievance each...that makes it 60 million !! 60 million grievances to be solved within a one year duration ?? 1.64 lakhs of grievances per day !! Now, it seems gigantic doesn't it ?! And, am only taking HALF the population of our country.

The issue where he undoes himself is the NGOs not coming under the purview of the Lokpal. Everyone of us know how many money laundering NGOs have come under critical review in recent times. Case in point, Satya Sai Baba, Nithyanda, Baba Ramdev's unaccounted millions. If the PM is under the Lokpal umbrella, everyone MUST be under it too. It's ALL or NONE. You can't have two bites of the same apple.

The best way out is to bring the Lokpal into the parliament for discussion and for Anna Hazare to stop his fast. It may all be well and good for us to shout slogans and sings praises of him, which he thoroughly deserves, but, fasting is never the way out of any situation(imagine tomorrow's world...everybody mind end up fasting to pass a bill..) !! Understand me perfectly. Am not against Anna Hazare. Am not supporting the government. I feel proud that the nation is rising against corruption. But, I urge the government to sort the issue out soon. Let's put our thinking caps on and remove our hearts from our sleeves and do something substantial for the future of our country. Jai Hind !!

(I know I will get a lot of brickbats for my view, but then it's the freedom of expression... :D !! Comments welcome !!)

The ironies of the heart . . .

5th August, 2011

As the day draws to a close, it's funny to realise how much the heart yearns for attention even though you are a big man in the corporate world. It's funny that we keep craving that somebody showers a little love and care on us every single time. We don't ever get tired of getting noticed. After all, it comes free.

So, as the entire family was shopping for my sister, I was looking around like a headless chicken in a swimming pool. Come on guys, I am here too !!

It gets even more irritating when your mom finds you to be the best man for selecting items for your sister. "That black shoe is better for her mom" "That sari will suit her" "Those bangles will look awesome with the saree" "Buy that chain too, it'll be a nice combination for that bangle" and suddenly your mind comes up with random thoughts "Hey buddy, your mommy is using you..!!" and then it pounds the message into you "Dude, she hasn't even thought about you for a second"

As you seem to realize that your mind is probably true, your heart fails a beat. You don't like to be sidetracked. Not even if you are 21 years old. That is MEAN. Period.

Negative thoughts should never drive positive thoughts away, but, this was one incident that will remain etched in my heart forever. I went around the shopping mall buying stuff for myself, all the while learning to bargain and pester the shopkeeper to keep following me around till he reduced the price of my Lee Cooper shirt from Rs. 875 to Rs. 200. It was so much fun. . . :D

And, finally when I showed my mom the 3 t-shirts that I got for myself, she suddenly remembered that she had a son too and came up with puppy faces and dialogues out of watching too much cinema "Oh poor kiddo, I didn't buy him anything" "Come..let's go buy something". I didn't want any of those false showers of love and my bitter tongue came to the fore and said "That's alright mommy, I can buy stuff on my own"

This is a lesson for myself in my quest to be the perfect dad. One day, when I adopt kids, I want to be a great father to them. I want to grow everyday even as my kids grow. And, I will promise my kids right now that I will never ever overlook the other in my quest to satisfy their whims and fancies. I will understand that girls need to be spoilt for choice, and, I will also understand that boys have a heart that craves equal attention too.

I want to raise my boy and girl together hand-in-hand as the best father in the whole world.

Deep regrets . . .

At wit’s end, I would confess to a truth that I hate to acknowledge.

Am the most difficult person to live with. Period.

No use denying the fact that though I can make friends easily and move along with them all, the one thing that stops me moving forward is love.

I cannot love, I cannot confess to losing myself to anyone else, when I suffer desperately from the love of my past. Even though it has been a long time since then, my heart still prefers to beat for her and for HER alone.

I have tried everything.

I have tried to kill my thoughts about her, forget her, removed her contact from my phone number, but, damn, I cant remove it from my memory. So, everytime she messages, the same familiar number crops up, and my thoughts come flooding back.

I have to tried hanging out with friends, family and even practical strangers in a bid to forget.

I have tried to fix my thoughts on other things, planned to achieve things in life so that finally I can get lost in the mounds of work and dreams that I orchestrated and get to forget her at long last.

I have tried moving on, that was the biggest mistake of my life. It hurt not only me but the gal who was my best friend till the fatal happenings. I’ve spoiled both her life and mine.

The only thing that is possible to get rid of the trouble am giving others is that I must move on. Never ever will I commit myself to another relationship. I want my space, my mind, my dreams intact. I will go off to a place where I can be of trouble to no one.

I loved you too much. That is the truth. That always will be.

Sorry my dearest friend. I cannot bear to hurt you any longer.

With deep regrets,

Vishnu

Virtusa, Loyola and what not . . .

July 19^th, 2011

As the day draws to a close and lets the night sky take over, I can’t help but feel amazed at the amazing beauty of the stars hanging around in the pitch black blanket that encapsules the world. It does hold mysteries beyond human comprehension.

As I finally manage to painfully bring my eyes downward I notice my Loyola call letter I clutch tightly. Life is atrociously beautiful. It’s a sin to be so resplendent. Damn you God!

The fact that I cracked another interview will do me a great favor as I can finally concentrate on entering my dream company, Virtusa!

Virtusa? Is that my dream company(??) you might ask. To all you people who didn’t hear me out properly the first time around, I repeat again. Yes, Virtusa is my DREAM company. I worked my ass off for getting into it, and I remember that the time was exactly midnight when I finally realized that I was in!

An executive MBA in LIBA will do me a world of good, I seem to be IN-THE-MOOD these days, I’m working all through the day, sometimes during the wee hours of early morning too . . . just to prove to my lazy self that I can infact work when tough times come calling!

My secret dream: A salary of 1 lakh per week, an educational institute, a trust, a medical hospital for all those deprived destitutes. The day I achieve my dream, that’s the day when I will finally call it quits and retire :P Kudos!

Lost . . .

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Amidst the sands of the infinite ocean I lay,

The moon gleams and makes me think of you,

I close my eyes and feel your warmth beside me,

Your arms caress my chest with oodles of love,

My heart flips at your touch, and stops beating,

I look up at your heavenly face, so perfect in the moonlight,

Your beautiful eyes with a depth like the oceans beyond,

Sensing your lips next to my ear, I feel bewitched,

You move closer and I can hear your breath on me,

My hair stands on end, oh, so transfixed in the moment,

And with a smooth, silken voice you whisper “Vishnu . . .”

My veins crackle with electricity, I long to hold you in my arms,

Never to let go, my hearts yearns for your smell,

I grope around in the dark and I find just emptiness.

Oh my dear, we are miles apart, I can hear your laugh,

To watch you leaving is like a sword to my heart,

My future in tatters, I can hear our unborn child’s cry,

Your dry eyes betray no emotion, unforgiving,

I succumb to tears, watching you leave . . .

Lost in lost love, I cry aloud for the both of us,

Because my dear, I know you will not cry for me.

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Sin-food-life

(my thoughts about a female prostitute)

In the dark dungeons of my dreams, lies a shocking revelation,

A truth buried and obscured in the deep reaches of my heart,

Better to be hidden for good, than revealed, the voice of my soul.

And, when I did sleep under him, it was pleasure for money

And, as the vision of my corpse rose towards the heavens,

I felt complete, an odd sense of satisfaction of a cause well done.

I lost a losing battle against the man on top of me, bereft

of all compassion and pride, come-passion and crime,

I was entangled, the electricity flowing through my veins,

and, as he kissed my lips, a tear fell from my eyes,

reaching the lower echelons of my bed that was my graveyard.

I kissed my child goodbye, not knowing if we could live another day,

In the final moments, I ran my fingers through every inch of her,

And, as I thought about her future, I felt sick, deprived

Of everything good, what have I left her with except myself ?

I gave myself up to this man, I couldn't remember his face,

Because through him I saw my only child, and her cry for food.

Food comes at a cost, no cost too big for a mother to pay,

I was prepared to pay with my life, another extreme end,

And, when I cried in pain, it echoed of my child’s laugh,

Through the tears that lingered in my eyes, I smiled at her,

I could feel her caressing fingers on me, I was going back to her,

Victorious in the race against time, I got my pay, a heavy package,

And I rushed out of the room to my beloved, and I kissed her,

And together we went out to eat.

Seminar on life . . .

Introduction:

Since the seminar was an activity cum speech I thought that it would be better if I could try to reproduce the dialogues I spoke so that we could get the feel.

Subject:

Hey guys! Let’s start off this seminar with an activity!!

Point your index finger out and repeat after me!! When I say where the ceiling is? You need to point to the ceiling and say there! Where’s the floor? Point to the floor and say there!! Come on!! Everybody after me!

Where’s the ceiling? “THERE…!”

Where’s the floor? “THERE…!”

Where’s the door?

Where’s the window?

Where’s the future?

“Everywhere… “

Some blank faces!!

The answer to that is you need to point to yourselves!

Have the courage to know that YOU are the future!

Have the courage to believe in yourself!

Have the courage to know that each and every one sitting in this room have the future in their hands and they can make or break it!

The future just doesn’t happen!

We need to create it!

Coz we own it!

Let’s move forward!

Pointing to someone…

“What’s your age? “

“18…”

“Ten years ago, did things turn out the way you wanted it to be? Did things turn out the way it should be? “

“….no….”

“Five years ago….? “

“ … No… “

“Three years ago? “

“No...”

“Last year? “

“Definitely no…”

“This moment? “

“No...”

Things never did turn out the way it should be…

“Five years from now, will things turn out the way you want it to be? “

“..Maybe…”

“All the things?....”

“No…”

“Ten years from now…?”

“No…”

“Thirty years from now will things turn out the way it should be?”

“No...”

“WHEN YOU DIE, WILL THINGS TURN OUT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE?”

“F**kin hell no… “

From the time you’re born, till the time you die, things will never turn out the way it should be!!

LIFE IS HOPELESS!!!

Consider this, you’re playing a cricket match and you need 50 runs off the last over! You know for sure you’re gonna lose! That will take all the pressure off you, won’t it?

“Yeah…”

Will you play without fear; will you play without any pressure? Will you enjoy playing the game?

“Yeah… “

That’s what I want you to get!

When you know you’re gonna lose in the race of life, play freely!

Play fully, give it your all

And then give some more!!!

How many of you out here have stage fear?

Slowly hands begin to rise! More than half!!

“Ok… I don’t know what stage fear is!! Please explain the sensation to me!!”

“You get butterflies in your stomach, you get nervous, you can’t speak, your hands start to shiver… “

That’s what is stage fear?

“Yeah... “

Is that so? Then even I have stage fear!!

Blank faces….

Yeah... how many of you think that I committed grammatical errors while speakin?

Some hands rise up…

Even as I’m speaking to you I’m nervous and my hands are sweating! Do you think I have stage fear then?

“No…”

Then what is stage fear?

STAGE FEAR DOESN’T EXIST!

It is something which we create as an excuse to not bein brave!

Stand even if it means to stand alone!

Move forward even when no one follows!

How many people come from the past and say I’m not good enough! I don’t belong! I suck!

When you flunked in your exams… I’m not good enough!

When you failed in something… I don’t belong! I suck!!

You know what’s stopping you from moving forward and hitting your dreams?

It’s you!

The only thing that’s stopping you is you!!!

You know what you need to do with these considerations?

I write on the board…

I don’t belong! I suck! I’m not good enough!

I take a step back, draw back my hand and then BANG!

I slam the board!

That’s what you need to do!!

There are two ways of running a race...

Looking forwards towards the finish line and running!

There’s also another way!

Looking backwards and running (imitating)!

Why don’t racers run that way?

Surely they won’t know where they’re running to!!

You know what the funny part is (laughing a bit along with the audience)…

THAT’S WHAT WE HAVE BEEN DOIN IN THE RACE OF LIFE!

Pin drop silence…

Every time we run our race, the past comes out in front of us and shields us from our powerful future!

You move forward, you move backwards, you move forwards, you move backwards…

WE’VE BEEN STAGNATIN IN OUR F**KIN LIVES!

You know what you need to do?

(I pick up a water bottle.... place it on the stage...)

Whenever you run and the past comes in front of you, catch hold of the past, and thrust it into the bottle….

Catch hold... thrust it in...

Catch hold... thrust it in...

The bottle is getting filled up… quarter filled... half filled... 3/4ths…

You know what you need to do with the past now?

Pin drop silence...

I take a deep breath and…

Kick the bottle across the stage!!!!

That’s what you need to do!

I’ll finish by doing the activity once more! Can we?

“YES!!!!!!!!!!! “

Where’s the ceiling?

Where’s the floor?

Where’s the door?

Where’s the window?

Where’s the future?

Pointing to themselves “HERE…..!!!!!!!!!”

Result:

Though I never want to be pessimistic if I could help it, some hard truths need to be told flat in the face! Considering the overwhelming response I proudly declare my seminar as a success!!

Trust fall . . .

Let’s do something different! I’m sure you’ll be bored if I repeat the last seminar again!

We’ll do another activity!

For this activity, I need one representative from the audience.

Venkatesh stands up…

Applause breaks out…

Venkatesh, here’s what I want you to do…

Face the board…

Stand on the edge of the stage…

When I say 1…2…3, you need to fall back…

I’m not responsible if you break your head!!!

“Ok…”

1…2…3…

He just steps back and acts as if he fell…

No… I want you to really fall… fall on your back…

He shakes his head…

“Of course not…”

Ok… let’s give him an option…

Call four people from the class whom you can trust the most…

He calls out… 1…2…3…4…

Here’s what I want the four of you to do…

Hold hands and when venkatesh falls, catch hold of him and push him back…

“Ok…”

Ok… 1…2…3…

He falls… they catch hold of him and push him back onto the stage…

They all depart to warm applause…

Ok… What do you think you got out of the activity?

Niki got up and said “You need to fall in life to be able to move forward… failures are the stepping stones to success…”

Good… but what do you think was different between the first and the second case of the activity…

“In the second case, he didn’t have any fear…”

Bang on the head…

I just wanted to tell you…

There are 3 types of friends…

Consider I’m running a multi-million dollar company and that I’ve lost a part of my money…

Well, I’m sitting there crying and the first friend comes in… he sees me crying and he also starts crying…

Does that help?

“NO…”

Well, I’m still sitting there crying and the second friend comes in… he says “it’s all fate… you can’t change it…” he consoles me… does that help?

“NO…”

Man, I’ve already got loads of problems, I’m looking for solutions…

I’m still crying and the third friend comes in… he sees me crying… throws an arm around my shoulder and says… “So what if you’ve lost a part of your money? You’ve still not lost ME! What’s a friend for if he can’t help you out of your troubles… come, together, we’ll recreate your business… together we’ll push your business back to the same level… if not, we’ll take it to the next level…”

Does that help?

“YES…..”

Just look around you… how many friends you have whom you can really trust?

Well… I just wanted to say this… I may not hang out with you guys at pizza corners or coffee days, but, when you need help, I’ll be the first one to lend my shoulder… no, not for you to cry on… but as a support for you to move to the next level… Trust me… Will you?

“YES….”

I walk for the second time, back to my seat…

Silence is no answer . . .

(this DOESN'T reflect my current state, its just a poem..so, read on)

Finally I look into your eyes,

Bursting to question you about our past,

Blurred and tinged with rust,

I deny that you are finally not mine.

Through life’s storms we rode,

Hand-in-hand, lost in love,

And, suddenly the sky darkened and I lost grip,

Your hand was slipping away from me,

You were moving too far..too fast.

I struggled to come to terms with your loss,

Even now, I cry…night in and night out.

Why did you leave me for someone else ?

What did he give you that I could not offer ?

I need answers dear, I see you here..happy with him.

My own unhappy future breaches through,

My soul eaten up by your cunning thoughts,

You played with me, my heart…my life.

And, still I cant hurt you, nor hate you.

Tell me why…you went away leaving me alone,

Groping in the dark for your hands, for your love,

My eyes meet yours questioningly,

I need reasons, I need answers from you,

But, please don’t look at me like that dear, I fall in love,

Turn your face away and tell me why…

Silence is no answer.