The ironies of the heart . . .

5th August, 2011

As the day draws to a close, it's funny to realise how much the heart yearns for attention even though you are a big man in the corporate world. It's funny that we keep craving that somebody showers a little love and care on us every single time. We don't ever get tired of getting noticed. After all, it comes free.

So, as the entire family was shopping for my sister, I was looking around like a headless chicken in a swimming pool. Come on guys, I am here too !!

It gets even more irritating when your mom finds you to be the best man for selecting items for your sister. "That black shoe is better for her mom" "That sari will suit her" "Those bangles will look awesome with the saree" "Buy that chain too, it'll be a nice combination for that bangle" and suddenly your mind comes up with random thoughts "Hey buddy, your mommy is using you..!!" and then it pounds the message into you "Dude, she hasn't even thought about you for a second"

As you seem to realize that your mind is probably true, your heart fails a beat. You don't like to be sidetracked. Not even if you are 21 years old. That is MEAN. Period.

Negative thoughts should never drive positive thoughts away, but, this was one incident that will remain etched in my heart forever. I went around the shopping mall buying stuff for myself, all the while learning to bargain and pester the shopkeeper to keep following me around till he reduced the price of my Lee Cooper shirt from Rs. 875 to Rs. 200. It was so much fun. . . :D

And, finally when I showed my mom the 3 t-shirts that I got for myself, she suddenly remembered that she had a son too and came up with puppy faces and dialogues out of watching too much cinema "Oh poor kiddo, I didn't buy him anything" "Come..let's go buy something". I didn't want any of those false showers of love and my bitter tongue came to the fore and said "That's alright mommy, I can buy stuff on my own"

This is a lesson for myself in my quest to be the perfect dad. One day, when I adopt kids, I want to be a great father to them. I want to grow everyday even as my kids grow. And, I will promise my kids right now that I will never ever overlook the other in my quest to satisfy their whims and fancies. I will understand that girls need to be spoilt for choice, and, I will also understand that boys have a heart that craves equal attention too.

I want to raise my boy and girl together hand-in-hand as the best father in the whole world.

Deep regrets . . .

At wit’s end, I would confess to a truth that I hate to acknowledge.

Am the most difficult person to live with. Period.

No use denying the fact that though I can make friends easily and move along with them all, the one thing that stops me moving forward is love.

I cannot love, I cannot confess to losing myself to anyone else, when I suffer desperately from the love of my past. Even though it has been a long time since then, my heart still prefers to beat for her and for HER alone.

I have tried everything.

I have tried to kill my thoughts about her, forget her, removed her contact from my phone number, but, damn, I cant remove it from my memory. So, everytime she messages, the same familiar number crops up, and my thoughts come flooding back.

I have to tried hanging out with friends, family and even practical strangers in a bid to forget.

I have tried to fix my thoughts on other things, planned to achieve things in life so that finally I can get lost in the mounds of work and dreams that I orchestrated and get to forget her at long last.

I have tried moving on, that was the biggest mistake of my life. It hurt not only me but the gal who was my best friend till the fatal happenings. I’ve spoiled both her life and mine.

The only thing that is possible to get rid of the trouble am giving others is that I must move on. Never ever will I commit myself to another relationship. I want my space, my mind, my dreams intact. I will go off to a place where I can be of trouble to no one.

I loved you too much. That is the truth. That always will be.

Sorry my dearest friend. I cannot bear to hurt you any longer.

With deep regrets,

Vishnu

Virtusa, Loyola and what not . . .

July 19^th, 2011

As the day draws to a close and lets the night sky take over, I can’t help but feel amazed at the amazing beauty of the stars hanging around in the pitch black blanket that encapsules the world. It does hold mysteries beyond human comprehension.

As I finally manage to painfully bring my eyes downward I notice my Loyola call letter I clutch tightly. Life is atrociously beautiful. It’s a sin to be so resplendent. Damn you God!

The fact that I cracked another interview will do me a great favor as I can finally concentrate on entering my dream company, Virtusa!

Virtusa? Is that my dream company(??) you might ask. To all you people who didn’t hear me out properly the first time around, I repeat again. Yes, Virtusa is my DREAM company. I worked my ass off for getting into it, and I remember that the time was exactly midnight when I finally realized that I was in!

An executive MBA in LIBA will do me a world of good, I seem to be IN-THE-MOOD these days, I’m working all through the day, sometimes during the wee hours of early morning too . . . just to prove to my lazy self that I can infact work when tough times come calling!

My secret dream: A salary of 1 lakh per week, an educational institute, a trust, a medical hospital for all those deprived destitutes. The day I achieve my dream, that’s the day when I will finally call it quits and retire :P Kudos!

Lost . . .

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Amidst the sands of the infinite ocean I lay,

The moon gleams and makes me think of you,

I close my eyes and feel your warmth beside me,

Your arms caress my chest with oodles of love,

My heart flips at your touch, and stops beating,

I look up at your heavenly face, so perfect in the moonlight,

Your beautiful eyes with a depth like the oceans beyond,

Sensing your lips next to my ear, I feel bewitched,

You move closer and I can hear your breath on me,

My hair stands on end, oh, so transfixed in the moment,

And with a smooth, silken voice you whisper “Vishnu . . .”

My veins crackle with electricity, I long to hold you in my arms,

Never to let go, my hearts yearns for your smell,

I grope around in the dark and I find just emptiness.

Oh my dear, we are miles apart, I can hear your laugh,

To watch you leaving is like a sword to my heart,

My future in tatters, I can hear our unborn child’s cry,

Your dry eyes betray no emotion, unforgiving,

I succumb to tears, watching you leave . . .

Lost in lost love, I cry aloud for the both of us,

Because my dear, I know you will not cry for me.

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Sin-food-life

(my thoughts about a female prostitute)

In the dark dungeons of my dreams, lies a shocking revelation,

A truth buried and obscured in the deep reaches of my heart,

Better to be hidden for good, than revealed, the voice of my soul.

And, when I did sleep under him, it was pleasure for money

And, as the vision of my corpse rose towards the heavens,

I felt complete, an odd sense of satisfaction of a cause well done.

I lost a losing battle against the man on top of me, bereft

of all compassion and pride, come-passion and crime,

I was entangled, the electricity flowing through my veins,

and, as he kissed my lips, a tear fell from my eyes,

reaching the lower echelons of my bed that was my graveyard.

I kissed my child goodbye, not knowing if we could live another day,

In the final moments, I ran my fingers through every inch of her,

And, as I thought about her future, I felt sick, deprived

Of everything good, what have I left her with except myself ?

I gave myself up to this man, I couldn't remember his face,

Because through him I saw my only child, and her cry for food.

Food comes at a cost, no cost too big for a mother to pay,

I was prepared to pay with my life, another extreme end,

And, when I cried in pain, it echoed of my child’s laugh,

Through the tears that lingered in my eyes, I smiled at her,

I could feel her caressing fingers on me, I was going back to her,

Victorious in the race against time, I got my pay, a heavy package,

And I rushed out of the room to my beloved, and I kissed her,

And together we went out to eat.